What I have experienced…
When I was sixteen I decided that the most important thing for me was to seek a diversity of life experiences. I never forgot that.
My experiences make my life richer. They challenge me and help me get to know myself truly. I feel rich because of various intense and often challenging experiences. They colour my personal perspective and give character to an impersonal life. The insight that life is impersonal came to me when I was 38 years old. Before that I also felt there is more than the personal story, but I had not yet experienced what it was like to surrender to life completely. When I did that, the moment I left Portugal, the life that was everything to me during nine years, something deep happened. I was scared and yet I let go. And when I let go, I fell …
…away…. Not in fear, but through the sensation. In the surrender I felt I was safe. I had “lost” everything I loved. The veil of identification dropped completely and my suffering ended. What remained was an open field, an energy that did not want anything from me. Non-judgemental. Everything was all right. I was safe.
For years I have lived in complete surrender to life, without the need to achieve anything, or teach people something, or to perform. I went with the flow and was open to everything and everyone, and what appeared on my path.
Now I remember what I live for.
I remember you …
What I do
With my creative mind I constantly point to the deep beauty of your true open nature. I can’t help but remind you. This open nature shines through your body, character and your actions. You may remember this partially, or perhaps not yet, but everyone can learn to recognize this again, by staying true to yourself, your needs and deep desires.
Learn to see that you are not your conditioning. Create new and inspiring patterns. Transform yourself back into the beautiful open being you are. And find fulfilment and true happiness.
When I was a child I partially grew up in the great outdoors. I crawled through wild tall grasses, hung upside down in the branches of the swishing red beech and picked up small salamanders and toads with my bitten nails. I was a lot on my own, fascinated by things I encountered and enjoyed that freedom. Yet there were times when I was not feeling well. I absorbed emotions and tensions from my environment. That went without saying, I couldn’t help it. And that gave me stress and the feeling of powerlessness. In this way I unconsciously started to identify with people, feelings of others and situations around me.
I have learned through trial and error that it is not bad to identify with your environment, thoughts and self-image, it is inevitable. And it is brave to want to learn to look through this identification. It is the form of love that you know, although it often does not feed you.
What I want you to know is that I have had great difficulty to become free from victimhood. Like all of us, the circumstances of my life made me very receptive to the influence of others – I wanted to be loved and yet at the same time I felt powerless in the experience of others not being able to love themselves. A lot of my energy went towards others, to pleasing others and helping to create more pleasant situations. As this happened to be a big part of my upbringing, it makes sense that I became very good at it, and not just in my family, but also in relation to everyone else. And so now it is natural for me to make others feel at ease, to listen without any effort, and to create a loving and pleasant environment. And what I have particularly learned from my upbringing is to see and accept the functioning of the mind – to go with the resistance, and not against it.
Reflecting and seeing through patterns, traumas, emotions and unconscious addictions is what I have done naturally from an early age. While, like everyone else, I have also struggled with my own projections and unconscious patterns. And what I found the most difficult to accept was the beauty of my true nature, to allow myself to be with everything I felt and experienced. So it makes sense that I have become good at helping others with that.
During puberty I could be very fiery and confronting towards my parents and this would only provoke more resistance. But confrontation was an absolute necessity for me, and although it was painful for all involved, it also cleared the energy. Most of my young adulthood I spend frustrated and feeling the victim of my life, I wasn’t able to take responsibility for it yet. To free myself I had to learn to let go of expectations, but it took me much longer to see through this. I first needed to trust myself again.
Being raised in a tense but also very creative environment has shaped and inspired me in many ways. Tension is unpleasant, but it keeps you alert. And because of the abundance of creative energy (my mom is an artist, while my dad was a naval engineer), I was always inspired to look at life differently; not just in the linear way which was my dad’s specialism, but more abstractly (my mom), and also particularly full of wonder for nature and music (my dad). This has coloured my life in numerous ways, and it is why in essence I see myself as an artist. As a small girl I loved to perform but I also hid, I was both cheeky and shy. I have always felt like I am playing the many characters and parts that life just freely provides. The challenge is how to deal with all these different roles you play. Well, this is what I am still learning.
Though I was an average student in school I was talented in art and other creative fields. For example when I was younger I always loved to redesign my own room in my parents’ house, and I spent much time busy thinking and making things more beautiful. And even though I struggled to find out what to do after school (I was not accepted by the School of Photography and Art) I finally studied Fashion, which I really enjoyed, and I was quite good at it.
Since then, over the last twenty or so years, I have studied and worked in several different professions. These include Fashion, Massage and Healing, Cooking (before, after and during running my own restaurant in Portugal), Documentary Making, and Counselling and Life Coaching.
I have always known that life is a great adventure to experience and gain insight into and share our deep beauty.